The Real Signs Of Wealth: Not Your Bank Balance, But Your Blood Pressure

Ah, wealth. The elusive, seductive unicorn that every motivational speaker, TikTok influencer, and ex-employee turned life coach keeps promising is just one vision board away. Yet here we are, being told that real wealth isn’t a fat wallet, but inner peace and glowing skin. Say what now?

Let’s begin with the first sign: you are calm and secure. So basically, if you’re not screaming internally every time you check your M-Pesa balance or see fuel prices go up, you must be rich. Who knew? Peace of mind is the new Mercedes. Never mind that your landlord is sending friendly reminders in all caps—if you’ve achieved zen, congratulations, you’ve made it.

Then there’s the dead giveaway of opulence: you look young and healthy. Not Botox-young. Not “I just walked out of a detox in Thailand” healthy. But naturally radiant. Glowing with the type of skin that says, “I sleep eight hours, drink cucumber water, and haven’t been chased by auctioneers in years.” Forget about health insurance—if you have good skin, you’re Warren Buffett.

Let’s not forget this classic flex: you are in control of your time. You don’t clock in. You don’t report to anyone. You’re not checking in with Susan from HR about your leave days. You glide into your mornings, sipping oat milk lattes, attending Pilates, and maybe starting a podcast if Mercury is in Gatorade. Because, why not? You. Are. Wealthy.

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Another clue? You are focused on your vision. That’s right. You’re not distracted by TikTok rabbit holes or WhatsApp groups discussing which cousin is marrying whom. You wake up with clarity, strategy, and a whiteboard. You’re not being tossed by every economic wave—you’re the captain of your destiny, sailing past inflation like a boss.

And where do the rich reside? Where they want to live, of course. Not in a two-bedroom in Zimmerman “for now,” or a bedsitter in Roysambu “until I settle.” No, they are perched on some hilltop with birds that sing in auto-tune, gazing at the horizon where dreams are made and boda-bodas are never heard.

Here’s the mic-drop moment: you neither need nor want a job. Jobs are for mere mortals, for the unliberated. You, on the other hand, are manifesting abundance while journaling in Bali. Because nothing says financial independence like being able to say, “I respectfully decline employment.”

More profound still, you know what you want from life. You’re not asking ChatGPT to “help you find your purpose.” You’re not trying to figure out if you should go into forex trading or sell scented candles. You know. And when you know, the universe allegedly conspires to help you. Or so the memes say.

Ah, the holy grail of resilience: you feel relaxed even in uncertainty. When the economy is tanking, elections are rigged, and the shilling is competing with the Zimbabwean dollar, you are… calm. Because wealth has wrapped you in a bubble of stoicism. You’ve transcended panic. You are the Dalai Lama of your budget.

And you’re not selfish either. No, the real rich don’t hoard. You help others reach their goals, too. You mentor. You invest in people. You fund your cousin’s chicken project without expecting eggs. You are a beacon of generosity, not because you have a surplus, but because your soul is abundant.

But wait, there’s more. You are surrounded by people you love. Not toxic “day ones” who keep asking for handouts. Not fake friends who only come around when there’s nyama choma. But a circle that’s as intentional as your skincare routine. People who lift you, not drain you. People who use words like “alignment” and “safe space.”

Lastly, you practice happiness daily. Not the performative kind on Instagram stories, but the real deal. The kind where you smile at sunrise, journal about gratitude, and do yoga with a cat named Luna. Even when your ex is posting thirst traps with someone richer, you’re unbothered. Because your joy isn’t situational—it’s your asset class.

And yet, isn’t it funny that all these signs of wealth don’t mention money? Not a single mention of assets, investments, or even a humble treasury bond. True wealth isn’t in your wallet; it’s in your vibe. A wealth that whispers, “I may not have rent, but I have inner peace.” And isn’t that just adorable?

So while the rest of the world is chasing paychecks, climbing corporate ladders, and dodging mobile loan sharks, the truly wealthy are meditating, manifesting, and moisturising. They are hydrated, centered, and frighteningly unbothered. Because, as we’ve now learned, if you’re not panicking about the future, you’re either rich or delusional.

The satire of it all is that most of these “wealth signs” are what the poor dream of while trying to stretch their last 200 shillings. It’s like saying the sign of being full is feeling no hunger pangs—thanks, Captain Obvious. Yes, these are signs of wealth. But let’s not pretend they aren’t also results of it.

Because let’s face it: if you’re living where you want, free of jobs, surrounded by love, and helping others, it’s not your chakra energy that got you there—it’s money, baby. Cold, hard, silent money. The kind that doesn’t talk, but sure does whisper, “Relax, I got you.”

In the end, the irony is this: those preaching these signs usually do so on Instagram from a beachfront villa, sipping smoothies that cost more than your daily lunch. And the rest of us? We’ll continue to pray for wealth… or at least for calm in the middle of economic chaos.

So yes, wealth is peace. Wealth is freedom. Wealth is happiness. But also, wealth is money. And if you disagree, try paying rent with your youthful glow.

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