Dear Villagers, The Nairobians Have Landed

This is an open letter to my brothers and sisters in the rural areas. This is an open letter to prepare you beforehand as some people from the city prepare to storm your peaceful rural life.

The Nairobians have landed. The villages are booming with “new life” and the majority are experiencing what only can be described as “culture shock.”

In Western Kenya, the chickens are in trouble. They know that during this season, no one is their friend. They know that when the Nairobians land, they must be accorded a “royal welcome” which includes the slaughtering of a hen or two.

My dear brothers and sisters in the village, I know the Nairobians are coming to literarily “terrorize” you. Do not be discouraged and do not let them intimidate you. They will be doing some things that to you will be weird. I will tell you some of them.

Some will be waking up very early in the morning to jog. They call it “keeping fit”. When you see them, give them space. Don’t mistake them tonight runners. They never jog in Nairobi but they will be doing it in the village this festive season.

Some will be walking around with bottled water even when it is raining. Do not worry about them. Let them carry the bottle around to show how they love taking ” clean water”. As for you, stick to your water in the pot. I tell you, it is cleaner and more secure than that bottled one.

Some will be asking you where an ATM is. Tell them it is in the next town, at least three hours by car. Even if you don’t know what an ATM is, just tell them it is “far away”. Trust me, the majority of those who will be asking about the ATM are broke. They don’t have money.

Some will be coming with hired cars. Don’t let them scare you with their “success”. 90 percent of them even don’t know the number plate of the car they will come with. Just ignore them.

Now, there is this type of Nairobians who will pretend that they don’t know how to use a pit latrine. Ignore them. Nature will force them to automatically learn how to use them.

Ladies and gentlemen in the rural areas, prepare, the Nairobians are coming.