Dear Mr. President, We Thank You For The Taxes, But Here Are The Things You Have Forgotten To Tax

By Juma / Published September 29, 2023 | 8:29 am

KEY POINTS

We know that we are paying for great houses in heaven and we are happy. Thank you for the planned 3 percent Unemployment Insurance Levy. That is a genius move. Thank you for the planned 2.75 percent for the new health insurance that will be known as SHIF.

Dear Mr. President, Nabii, Baba Yao, Zakayo, Jamaa wa Levies, Mchungaji, Hustler Number One, hope you are doing fine, happy, and taxy!

Down here, Mr. President, we are happy. Wailing and screaming. Thanks to you and your great government, we are doing well. Omwami afume!

Mr. President, first and foremost, thank you for the taxes. Thank you for 8 percent more on fuel, thank you for 200+ shillings on fuel, and thank you for the 1.5 percent housing levy. What a visionary leader!

Mr. President, comrades too would like to thank you. Thank you for doubling and tripling University fees. They are doing well. Some are jumping off storey buildings to go to heaven early. Some are sleeping in lecture halls. The future is bright.

Thank you for the loans. Over 800 billion shillings were borrowed within a year. And we have seen some amazing projects coming up as a result. We thank God for you. The God of Mama Rachel.

Behind every successful man, there is a strong woman. Kenya is blessed to have that woman in Mama Rachel, an intercessor, preacher, speaking-in-tongues expert, and full of amazing faith.

She cares so much about this country that she flew to Orlando, with a team of choir members to import some prayers. Kenya needs those prayers. Please tell her to add praying for us to to go heaven early as one of the prayer items.

Anyway, Mr. President, that was just a by the way. The purpose of this letter is to bring to your attention some of the things you and your people have forgotten to tax. In other words, I am snitching.

First, why haven’t you started taxing us for El Nino? Your people are sleeping on the job. Let us have the El Nino Sensitization Levy as soon as possible. Do you want us to die en masse when it comes? Noo. Bring the Levy. Make it 12.30 percent.

Second, where is the AFCON Preparation Levy? We are going to get so many visitors and we need money to prepare for it. Why haven’t your people drafted a bill to make this Levy applicable? Bring it on. Make it 4.99 percent.

Third, where is Breathing Levy? Every Kenyan breathes. Every Kenyan will pay if you charge them a Breathing Levy. Nobody wants to die. So they will pay. Make it 7.85 percent.

Fourth, where is the Smiling Levy? Some people are smiling too much in this economy. We need tears. We need some noise. We need some screaming. If you bring the Smiling Levy, and then release the Smiling Gas in the air so that no one can resist smiling, KRA will construct a bank to hold the money. Just make it 1 percent.

Fifth, why haven’t you thought of taxing pastors? Do you know that some of them are earning more than what you earn in 5 years of your first term? Some are getting at least 20 million shillings every Sunday. That is like 80 million shillings per month. Tax-free. Call that tax “Heaven Assured Tax” and they will pay.

Mr. President, there are so many things you can tax. Let your people do their homework well and you will be smiling to the bank. Remember, the secret is, that the more we scream, the more we enjoy. So, finya! Finya kabisa.

About Juma

Juma is an enthusiastic journalist who believes that journalism has power to change the world either negatively or positively depending on how one uses it.(020) 528 0222 or Email: info@sokodirectory.com

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